Friday, May 3, 2013

Letting Go

The trick to life, as I’ve learned recently, is knowing when to hold on and when to let go. And now I’m letting go.

This won’t be my final blog post, but it will be my final post as part of this group. I haven’t been able to write it up lately, and I also wanted to have some time to breathe after our most recent fight. This decision is not new. It is not driven by emotion. It is driven by a finality I have faced in the fact that I am entirely unsatisfied with how the blogging group has gone, and it is a direction I do not desire to go with, and it is simply not healthy for me, emotionally or spiritually.

I am sad to report that the state of things nowadays is far from the intent I believed it was. People are seeking to work only for attention, for a reaction. Some see their work as an emotional catharsis which allows them to act however they please and receive no punishment. I see hypocrisy, self-glorification, self-righteousness, anger, hatred, irrationality, propaganda and victimization. The thing is, I was caught up in that, and I was part of that as well. It makes me bitter to think of it, but I have to be honest and admit it was the truth. I was the same way. But I can’t afford to be any longer.

I cannot follow those who influenced me any longer. I have made a sideshow out of my work. I began to feel as though I was a character. I’ve had a deep longing to be unforgettable, to be someone, and for a while that consumed who I was and why I fought, at least part of the reason. I hate that. I hated that feeling of being little more than that guy who yells at rich people. That’s not all I wanted my shtick to be. I didn’t want to get a reaction and call it a day. I longed for something more.

I am sad to say that I do not think we are progressing further than being ones to get a reaction out of TriMet. That cannot be all we do. Anyone can get a reaction out of TriMet by calling their boss Hitler and protesting his very right to live on the streets with signs that portray him as a dog fucking other dogs and him with a penis for a head. What does that accomplish, other than making us feel better, like celebrities? 

Why is it our achievements are how many blog views we get? Why do we decry censorship yet feel free to censor dissenters on our own blog, slander them no less? Why do we feel justified in publicly throwing tantrums whenever we don’t get our way? This is not activism. This is not productive. This is nothing but humiliation. We are becoming little more than wacky characters, the Westboro Baptist Church of TriMet lore. We are little more than extremists ranting and raving and getting nothing done. Have you ever stopped to wonder WHY people are blocking us from meetings? Have you ever stopped to wonder why people think we’re fools? Maybe we’ve earned it.

I’ve tried to explain this. I’ve tried to make this known. And in response, I’ve received taunting, abuse, slander, and other non-response. I’ve been labeled as a sellout, a fascist, a sympathizer, any other names you typically like to throw around. You can apologize and say you were just upset, that I pissed you off, like that singlehandedly earned me everything that was said. I can forgive, but forgetting is a whole other story, when all that I’ve done with and for you can be burnt and thrown out the moment I voice some dissent with our actions.

I know there are many of the community that aren’t like this, that desire fairness from both sides, that have level heads in all of this chaos. I commend them, but it’s not enough to make me desire to stay. This is not a place where I feel welcome, where I feel I can associate myself with the others of my kind. Not anymore. I feel like I’ve grown up and have seen the light. I want to get things done, not just sit around and launch spitballs from the back of the room.

Rest assured, I am not selling out. I have many things to say about TriMet, with OPAL and on my own. I am not a fan of TriMet. When we work with them, I am very much gritting my teeth. But we’re working our way in. All of us, like-minded, open to the voices of others, synergetic and cooperative, are making things happen and are ready to fight when things head south. I have finally realized just how much I have become part of a unit with them. It’s what I really need, as an activist and as a humble boy wanting to see change happen.

I’ll post on my blog every now and again, every once in awhile. Primarily, it will be about my TriMet route plans as I have formerly disclosed with Lane. They are a world away from what they were before, but I’m working on making them the best I can. If nothing more than personal satisfaction, I’ll get them done. Other stuff I’ll post now and again. But as for being part of the group and encouraging them, that I simply cannot do anymore. I'm done fighting. I'm done killing myself over it. I'm done letting it hurt me. I cannot allow those who claim to be on my side to do more damage to me than my enemies.

This was a long time coming, and now it's finally here. I'm finally letting go.

Thank you for all that you’ve given me before. I’m sorry it had to end this way.